Non.Fiction.The.Science.of.Discworld.III.Darwins.Watch.2005 by Pratchett Terry

Author:Pratchett, Terry [Pratchett, Terry]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781407022697
Publisher: Ebury Publishing
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

FIFTEEN

AUDITORS OF REALITY

IT WAS ONE HOUR LATER. Wizards were ranged in rows across the width of the Great Hall in a variety of costumes, but mostly in what might be called Early Trouser; despite Rincewind’s view on nudity, a grubby shirt and pants would pass without comment in many ages and countries and lead to fewer arrests.

‘Right, then,’ said Ridcully, striding along the ranks ‘We’ve kept all this very simple so that even professors can understand! Ponder Stibbons has given all of you your tasks!’ He stopped in front of a middle-aged wizard. ‘You, sir, who are you?’

‘Don’t you know, sir?’ said the wizard, taken aback.

‘Slipped m’ mind, man!’ said Ridcully. ‘Big university, can’t be expected to recognise everyone!’

‘It’s Pennysmart, sir. Professor of Extreme Horticulture.’

‘Any good at it?’

‘Yes, sir!’

‘Any students?’

‘No, sir!’ said Pennysmart, looking offended.

‘That’s what I like to hear! And what will you be doin’ today?’

‘First, it appears, I shall be dropped waist-deep in a lagoon in the, the –’ he stopped, and fumbled a piece of paper out of his pocket ‘– Keeling Islands, where I shall attack the sand bottom round me with this rake,’ he held up the implement, ‘and then return here as soon as I see any humans.’

‘And how will you do that?’

‘Say aloud, “Return Me, Hex”,’ said Pennysmart, smartly.

‘Well done, good man,’ said the Archchancellor. He raised his voice. ‘Remember that, everyone! Exactly those words! Write them down if you can’t remember them. Hex will bring you back on the lawn outside the building. There will be hundreds of you and many of you have several tasks, so we don’t want any collisions! Now, if—’

‘Excuse me,’ said Pennysmart, raising a hand.

‘Yes?’

‘Why will I be standing in a lagoon flailing around with a rake, please?’

‘Because if you don’t do that, Darwin will tread on the dorsal spine of an extremely poisonous fish,’ said Ponder Stibbons. ‘Now—’

‘Excuse me again, please,’ Pennysmart said.

‘Yes?’

‘Why won’t I tread on this fish?’

‘Because you will be lookin’ where you are treadin’, Mr Pennysmart,’ roared Ridcully.

But a forest of other hands had gone up. About the only wizard without a hand aloft was Rincewind, who was staring gloomily at his feet.

‘What’s all this about?’ said the Archchancellor, irritably.

‘Why have I got to move a chair six inches?’

‘Why have I got to fill up a hole in the middle of a prairie?’

‘Why have I got to hide a pair of trousers?’

‘Why have I got to stuff a letter box full of starved snails?’

Ponder waved his clipboard wildly to silence the clamour.

‘Because otherwise Darwin would have fallen off a chair or been thrown from a horse or would have been struck by a stone hurled by a rioter or an unwise letter would have reached its destination,’ he said. ‘But there are more than two thousand tasks, so I can’t explain every one. Some of them are the start of a quite astonishing causal chain.’

‘We are supposed to develop questioning minds, you know,’ someone muttered.

‘Yes, but not regarding university policy!’ said Ridcully. ‘You

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